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*Kilig* Moments

*Kilig* Moments - ITS NOT ME! Its a friend! As she told us her story a while ago, although there may be some glitches with the intentions of the other guy, she still is so flattered and so happy! This friend just came from a broken relationship, but here she is, standing again. I admire how brave she is. No matter how stern we warn her that she may get hurt, she still seems to go on with the flow and nurture her shivery, fuzzy, positively chilling moments. I remembered the song I've fallen For You. I think it suits how she feels now.

What is this I'm feelin'  I just can't explain
When you're near I'm just not the same
I'm tryin' to hide it Try not to show it
It's crazy How could it be

I've fallen for you  Finally, my heart gave in

And I'm fallen in love  I finally know how it feels

When you said hello I looked in your eyes

Suddenly, I felt good inside  Is this really happenin'
Or am I just dreaming I guess, it's true
I can't believe I've fallen for you
Finally, my heart gave in And I'm fallen in love
I finally know how it feels So this is love

Doesn't matter where I am Thoughts of you still linger in my mind

No matter what time of day I've really, really  Fallen for you

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Denial Stage Goodbye

With the enlightenment of Jesus, I declare: I have overcome the denial stage!

After 4 months, I have finally accepted the truth: Me and M are no longer a couple! M is my EX!

See how my goals changed:
First, I simply wanted to win M back!
Then, I revised it by saying: Yes, I still want to win him back.... BUT, I want to learn to love myself first."
Now, here's what I am praying for:

"Lord, please grant my wish of having a complete and happy family. If M can give me that, then, please enlighten his mind to reconcile with me. But, if M cannot give me that, and there is a person way better than him, then, let it be. But, please give me a sign if You are about to introduce to me my One true Love, so that I can brush on a little makeup!"

Next step: Go on with healing myself. Continue meeting new friends. Actively participate in a ministry. Learn to love myself! Learn to love God before loving other people!

If I may add: My One True Love must love God above everything else, even before loving me!

Denial Stage: Goodbye!

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The Feast April 29, 2012

The Feast April 29 by Bro. Bo Sanchez:

Know the Principle of Obliquity. The Principle of Success.
A DETOUR can bring you to a bigger destiny.
Sometimes, while you are waiting for God's answer, a detour comes. You are so near your ambitions but something suddenly stops you. This is because the enemy wants to discourage you.
Detours are actually good for you because a detour can bring you to a bigger destiny!
   1. Remain faithful to do the right thing.
   2. Remain open. Bloom where you are planted.
An opportunity comes dressed as a responsibility.

The next series of talk is "dedicated to the approval addict, the chronically nice, the spiritually abused, and all those under the sun who need to love themselves more". As the words "Heal Your Shame" and "Practice Self-Care" were mentioned by Bro. Bo, one of our CG members kept patting me at my arm, silently telling me that God will speak to me again in the next couple of weeks.

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My First Caring Group (Plus Another Padre Pio Experience)

A day after I felt so much pain, God sent His Angels again to cheer me up. April 22, I met my first ever Light of Jesus Family Caring Group.

"Caring groups are small groups of 8 to 15 people who meet each week in a convenient location to learn, pray, have fun, and build healthy relationships."

I met 7 of them. Coincidentally, there are also 7 Archangels, but since I believe that nothing in this world is coincidental, I took this as another sign from God that I am being guided.

At first, I was so reserved in sharing my situation. But, as they listened to me without any bias judgment, I easily opened up. Their advices and support made me feel like I wasn't someone new in the group, but a long time friend. Most of them came from failed relationships too, and they shared how they were able to stand up and see the light of God.

Sister 1, who, by the way, is very pretty, had an ex who was a seafarer too! As I was about to badmouth seafarers, Brother 1 told me that he is also a seafarer. Good thing I kept my mouth shut! Hahaha! But Brother 1 was so frank and logical in giving his advices. It was him who said "Bigyan mo ng halaga sarili mo" (Give yourself some worth). Ouch! But true!

Sister 2, who was sitting beside me, was so motherly, that whenever she gave her advice, I just simply wanted to hug her.

Sister 3 was the most vocal of all. She shared a lot, as in a LOT of good advices. And I saw how strong her personality was. Anyone will feel fortunate to have her as a friend.

Brother 2 prayed over me. I felt his strong positive energy radiating as he gently placed his right hand over my shoulder during the prayer.

Brother 3 was the listener type. Most of the time, he was just listening to me whenever I shared, then, would give his little advices, then, listened to me again. I wondered if he has a background at counseling!

Of all the things that they said, the words of Sister 4 struck me the most. She said "Alam mo, from a stranger's point of view, sa sinabi ng ex mo, wala na kayo!" (You know what, from a stranger's point of view, with what your ex said, you're no longer in a relationship). Ouch! Straightforward, but it was what struck me the most.

After our CG meeting, most of us went to Padre Pio Church. We attended the second mass, "almost" attended the third mass, sacrificed the scorching heat of the sun and the humid weather, but everything was worthwhile.... because... we were able to speak with Mang Ramon! Last March 3, Mang Ramon told me that God has already given me what I have been asking for. And now, this is what he said as I deeply prayed "Angel Gabriel, please let me know what is God's plan for me. If it will hurt me, its okay, just please tell me the truth. please guide Mang Ramon":

"Wala talaga akong maramdaman sa iyo. Wala kang sakit, wala kang problema. Its all granted to you. He's even inviting you to volunteer in His Church."

Okay, I felt happy, but I thought to myself, what does this mean? Is it another word of hope just to keep me sane?

Anyway, my turn is done, so I picked up my bag to leave the area. But, Mang Ramon suddenly grabbed my arm again and said: "Its all granted to you ha... Its all granted to you"

He was so stern as if he wanted to tell me that I should believe! By then, goosebumps started to appear on my arms. As a few tears rolled down my cheeks, I silently prayed and told God "Lord, all I am praying is for M to reconcile with me so that I can finally have a complete and happy family. I cannot fully understand what Your plans are, but I know that I have to trust You. In the end, may Your will be done."

It was almost 9:30PM when we went home. It was a very long day, but my first CG experience is truly memorable. I felt so blessed and I am not ashamed to shout out the blessings that I have received from God!

"Lord, thank you for sending me your Angels today. I know I cannot have them by my side forever, but, I will always cherish the memories that they have planted in my heart. They have made a positive impact in my life, and I pray that they too, will be healed from any hurt that they are presently feeling. Please shower them with your blessings, so that they may continue to be a blessing to more and more people. Amen."

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The Last Time I'll be Hurting Myself

April 21 was a very bad day for me. I went to my ex's parents' house, and it just felt different - how they treated me, how they told me stories, how they wanted some legal papers to be fixed in favor of them. But, in front of them, I had to show I was okay. I bravely smiled, forced a few jokes, and tried my best to radiate a positive chi. However, after 3 long hours of pretending, I could no longer take it. I immediately told them I had to leave to meet a friend.

As I rode a bus, the conductor asked me my destination. I went blank. I didn't know where to go. I simply asked "Hanggang saan po ito? Doon na lang ako" (Until where will this bus reach? Drop me off there). As I took my bus ticket, I turned my head to face the window, then, I cried. The feeling was uncontrollable. It was so painful, and I just can't stop the tears. I started having hiccups and found it difficult to breathe. Good thing, the passenger beside me was fast asleep, otherwise, she would have enjoyed watching a drama on board!

Whenever I'm in so much pain, I always call on Angel Raphael to heal me. As I prayed, true enough, my sobs subsided and I finally got my composure. By then, my eyes were already swollen. New learning for me: I should always have my sunglasses!

To focus my attention on something else, I sent a message to some friends asking them to say a silent prayer for me. And one of them invited me for coffee! What a relief! At least, I'll be able to talk with someone who can keep me sane.

I jumped off at the Mall of Asia, and went to the restroom to freshen up myself. There were no people inside, so I decided to give my cry a full last blow. Inside the cubicle, there, I cried again. I just wanted to release all the bad emotions. After a few minutes of crying, I felt lighter. But, as I went out of the cubicle - SURPRISE! The restroom which was empty a few minutes ago was suddenly jampacked with people! I shyly smiled at the next person in line.

As I walked away with people staring at me, I silently said: Kaye, this should be the last time you'll be hurting yourself, okay?

Yes.... this will be the last time I'll be hurting myself!

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The Feast April 22, 2012

The Feast April 22:

Go on with life, move on, because the Lord is risen.
 I have more blessings than problems.
All crisis shapes character.
How many have experienced to be brokenhearted?
     But look at how happy you are now.
     Thank God I didn't end up with that person.
We can rejoice even when we run into problems: Rejoice because there are purposes for your problems.
God values your character more than your comfort because God is a daddy.
1. Your crisis diagnoses your character.
     Character is who you are when the going gets tough.
     Character is who you are when life is not how you imagine it to be.
     Character is like a teabag, if you dunk it in hot water, thats when you know if its good or not.
     You don;t evaluate your partner when everything is okay. 
2. Crisis develops your character.
     Problems, troubles, crisis burns to teach you a lesson that you will never forget for the rest of your life.
     Tests are repeated until the lesson is learned.
     What lesson am I being taught? Try to get the teaching without the trial.
3. A crisis defends your character.
     Crisis humbles you.
     Crisis is like being dunked in hot water. It wakes you up. It protects you in going to a dangerous territory.
*I am moving forward... the past is behind me!

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The Feast April 15, 2012

The Feast April 15:

Suffering people are AMBIVALENT, because rooted under the ambivalence is the fear of the unknown.

The most dangerous place is your safe place, because nothing happens and you don't grow, you don't change.
Excuses are signs of ambivalence.
If you know what you want, and you really want something bad, nothing can stop you.
2 Reasons for Ambivalence:
   1. Suffering has become your identity.
   2. Suffering has become your income.
Every suffering has side benefits.
3 Steps to Get Out of Suffering:
   1. Remove ambivalence.
         Abundance is not attracted to ambivalence but to clarity.
   2. Restore authority.
         You have the power to remove the mountains of problems in your life.
   3.  Repeat action.
         The first steps may be wobbly, sometimes you may even need people to support you, but, just do the right thing again and again in the midst of your suffering. A day will come when the valley ends.

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Easter Sunday

I celebrated my Easter Sunday at The Feast, SMX. I felt that God was personally speaking to me. Oh well, I believe that God truly is speaking to me, through people. Here's what He said:

You may be grieving but your Easter is coming.
All is well because you can bounce; and, the harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
You can grieve for so long, but do not give up because your Easter is coming.
You will rise!
Rise up! Do not get discouraged!

Okay, so in the midst of all these trials.... my Easter will come soon!

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Be Careful

"Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious." - read this tweet at the Notebook of Love's page.  True enough, during the peak of my depression a few months ago, I tried to meet up or chat with strangers and acquaintances. I am blessed because most of them turned out to be real good friends who never left me alone. Some continuously prayed for me. Others would, from time to time, ask how I am doing. But I cannot deny the fact that there are a FEW who just simply were curious about what happened. Anyway, I understand they also have their own reasons as well, whatever its may be, I have to respect that.

Bottomline is, I am very grateful to be blessed with good and wonderful friends.

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The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world 
as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

Saw this prayer posted at FB. "Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference". ---> This is what I need!

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What is Love? My Goal

Since last December, with this trial that I am experiencing right now, I kept on trying to discern: Do I really love him? What is love?

My guide for what love should be is rooted in the popular bible verse that says:

Love is patient, love is kind. 
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 
Love never fails. 
1 Corinthians 13: 1-13

As I contemplated on every line and read every word, I said to myself: No doubts, YES, I love him! But these past few days (well, after my Brahama Kumaris retreat), I was dumbfounded by a truth which, initially, I cannot accept. I do not love him because I do not know how to love myself! How can I love someone if I do not love myself first? How can I give something I do not have?

Months ago, my goal used to be winning him back. But now, I had to twist it a bit.

Yes, I still want to win him back....


I want to learn to love myself first.


On the process of loving myself someone else comes along?


He finally makes up his mind and decides that he doesn't love me anymore?

Then, that is God's plan for both of us. God knows whats best so who am I to question HIM.

Sad ending? Not really. Another possibility could be:


He decides to reconcile with me?

Well, by then, we would have to COMPROMISE. Simply because, I think by that time, I have already finally learned to love myself!

After all, it could be a happy ending too.

What if.... What if.... What if... There may be millions of what ifs... But, all I can do know is to trust in God and to hold on to His promise that only the best will happen for me.

"And they lived happily ever after."

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Weight Loss

Tuesday of last week, I accidentally saw an old friend . Upon seeing me, he screamed.... okay, not really screamed, but uttered in a loud voice: "ANG PAYAT MO!" (YOUR SO THIN!)

May 2011 - I was 190 lbs
December 2011 - 180 lbs
April 2012 - 155 lbs

I therefore conclude.... depression can really make a person lose weight!

*I'm targeting 120 lbs. I can do this.

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BK Retreat Day 1

This Holy Week, I planned joining a retreat. I knew I had to go somewhere else. I can't afford to stay at home... alone. No way! I might just have another breakdown. As they say, an idle mind usually becomes the devil's workshop.

God directed me to the site of Brahma Kumaris, and  I found out that their BK Tagaytay Retreat Center will be facilitating a retreat from Holy Thusday to Black Saturday. The title of the retreat?

Forgiving and Letting Go.
"Forgive and forget. Is it possible? Forgiving is not really for anyone else. It is for giving myself the chance to see and discover what is true, good, and beautiful in myself. Then I discover what is true, good, and beautiful in everyone else, and  in everything."

Coincidence? Sorry but ever since I met Mr. Richard Yu, I dropped the idea that there is such a thing as a coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in this world.

So, on a Holy Thursday afternoon, off to Tagaytay I went. As I sat quietly inside the bus, a lot worries began creeping into my mind.

Will I make it alone?
Whom will I eat with?
Will I have new friends?
Will the people there like me?
Will I have friendly roommates?
Blah, blah, and blah!

Do I sound pathetic? Oh well.... let me tell you a secret. Ever since me and my special someone became a couple, I've been too dependent on him. I never, as in NEVER tried going to places alone, meeting new people alone, going on a retreat alone, doing things alone! I was always in my comfort zone with the company of our common friends, or with him.

Eventually, I got tired of worrying, and I decided to pray. I prayed the rosary while casting the CoL. Along the stretch of Aguinaldo Highway, memories of those sweet moments with him flashed before me - Camella, Anabu Kostal, Golden City, and even the inn somewhere Dasma where we once slept! Ouch! As in.... OUCH! It felt like a hundred big needles were pricking my heart. I felt so much pain that I just closed my eyes and prayed again: "Angel Raphael, please ease my pain. Mama Mary, please hug me."

After a couple of minutes, I felt Mama Mary's and Angel Raphael's presence. I felt them comforting me. As I opened my eyes.... Voila! I was like in another world. Outside, through the glass window of the bus, all I could see are luscious green trees and flowering plants that all seem to be smiling at me. Now, I know.... God postponed my "vacation plan" with Mr. M (let me just refer to my fiance as Mr. M) so that I can get the chance of seeing the beauty of paradise.

Upon reaching Brahma Kumaris Tagaytay, I was welcomed by women wearing all white. They were all smiling at me... but something felt different. I can't pinpoint what exactly it is, but something felt different.

I was given the key to my room. It was spacious, with a big window that overlooks the garden. Another picture-perfect view. There was no aircon, but who cares? We're in Tagaytay anyway! The bathroom was neat and clean, the tiles were well-maintained. There were 3 beds, but I was alone! Before starting to panic, I dropped my bags down and went out of the room to explore the whole place.

I saw the Dining Area. No, I didn't look for it on "purpose", I just saw it! One table had 3 women chatting with each other. On a separate table was a woman, around same age as mine, and she was alone too.Where should I sit? With the 3 women who already seem to know each other? Or with this lady who was alone but kinda looked like a snob?

I chose.....

to sit.....


As I quietly savored the freshly baked empanada which they served while sipping my hot pandan tea, I kept on telling myself: "Kaya mo yan Kaye, kayakayanin mo yan, kailangan mong kayanin yan!" (You can do that Kaye, you will do that, you must do that!)

One of the Sisters approached me, said hello, chatted a while, then went on to entertain the other guests who began arriving. After gulping down the remaining tea that I had which was already cold, I went to explore the other areas of the retreat house. At the ground floor, there I found the garden, the meditation room, the big function hall, the mini meeting room, the receiving area, the TV area, and the dining hall.

As the session started, we were asked to introduce ourselves and to state our objectives for the retreat. Since I already expected this "Introduction Activity", when my turn came, I uttered my script and flashed the biggest smile that I can... "I'm Kaye, I live at Makati, I'm working as an all-around super multi-tasker at ____, and I hope to learn 3 things from this retreat: how to meditate properly, how to radiate a positive aura, and how to control my emotions."

After the briefing, it was already time for dinner. There goes my anxiety again. There were more people, thus, it was more difficult for me to choose where to sit. I got my food while my eyes did a random scan of the whole dining area until I spotted an empty seat together with the three ladies I saw earlier during the afternoon break. I asked if the seat was occupied, and they said no and invited me to sit there. I laughingly said to myself "Oh, they're nice people, why was I too afraid? For as long as they don't eat humans, I'm safe!" During dinner, everyone seemed to be quiet - and I was no exemption! But I enjoyed the food! We had red rice, oyster mushroom soup, deep fried oyster mushroom coated in batter, mashed potato with crunchy fresh veggies, and purple yam for dessert. Burp! Vegetarian dish has never been this tasty!

As I stood up to get another glass of water, a curly-haired, thin, and smart lady who introduced herself earlier as a "journalist" approached me and said "Ikaw pala si Kaye!" (Oh, so, you're Kaye!) I was shocked and I wondered: She knew me? Where did we meet? Until I remembered, I was wearing my name tag! How could I forget! I immediately returned back the smile and said: "Oo, ako nga, bakit?" (Yes, I am, why?) The girl, Cecille, said: "Ikaw daw kasi ka roommate ko. Hanapin daw kita." (They said you're my roommate. They told me to look for you). My heart leaped... at last! I have a roommate. One of the simple joys in my life!

to be continued...

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Holy Week 2012

A few months ago, before this trial came, (before December 11, 2011 to be exact), I visioned my Holy week to be: spending the long holiday with him, doing our yearly Visita Iglesia (just like last year where he had fun taking my pictures), praying the Stations of the Cross together, then, heading straight to an out-of-town vacation where we can have our mini DIY prenuptial pictorial session.


Many things are still blurred, I am still in darkness, But God never left me alone, and I believe that HE will never leave me alone. God continues to show me the light, even just a tiny spark of hope.

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Holy Thursday

April 5, start of the Holy Week Vacation. 5 days without work. 5 days of being alone. My first Holy Week without him.

Will I survive?

I am afraid.... I am scared.... I miss him!

But, I trust God that He will never abandon me.

I know I have to go through all these pain for our relationship to grow.

After all these trials, I believe that we will have a stronger relationship and a pure and true love.

If he doesn't come back.... at least, I know I'll be a stronger and better version of me.

But I am still holding on.... he will come back to me!

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Stations of the Cross

Holy Tuesday, I prayed the Stations of the Cross together with my Legion of Mary (LOM) Family. Since the crosses were at the garden area beside the Church, a lot of mosquitoes bit me. As usual, I became a polka dotted human! Suddenly, I remembered him.... Last year, we did the Visita Iglesia and prayed the Stations of the Cross together. And, whenever mosquitoes would bite me, he would gently rub my skin to ease the itch.

True enough, you learn to appreciate simple things when they are gone. But, I still do hope and pray that he will come back.

As I reached home, I broke down again and cried a bucket of tears. I knew I just had to let it out.

"Lord, please comfort me. Please ease my pain."

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CEFAM Counseling Session Part 2

After the counseling session that I had, I decided to take my time and spend the rest of my afternoon walking around the University Campus. I just wanted to walk, pray, talk with God, think about the things that happened, think about life, think about him. Good thing its vacation time, there were only a few people around, and this saved me from the possibility of meeting former professors, classmates, and anyone I know, thus, saving me from answering possible questions about the wedding!

Trees and plants abundantly lined the narrow road where I was walking. The afternoon cool wind sweetly kissed my cheeks as the trees selflessly shaded me from the heat of the sun. I was breathing in as much clean air as I can get, absorbing the abundant positive energy that the trees gave. And as I exhaled, I visualized all the tension, hurts, pains, worries, and negativity being released out of my system. A few rays of sunlight which were able to pass through the glowing leaves of these trees reminded me that there is, and there will always be HOPE.

During my school days, I also used to walk on the same road, but never did I experience this feeling. Maybe because way back then, I was too preoccupied with worldly stuff that I ignored to give importance to the simple things in life that can make me happy.

I went inside the chapel, and upon seeing that I had the place all to myself, everything felt so solemn. As I knelt down and silently prayed, tears rolled down my cheeks. Then, I heard my Angel's sweet voice gently whispering to me: "Let it out, just cry."

I cried. Then, I wept. Then, I sobbed... Then, I felt the presence of Jesus, Mama Mary, St. Padre Pio, St. Jude, and the Archangels. They were all there. They were watching me. They were taking turns to hug me. They told me: "Its okay, everything will be fixed. We will not leave you alone." I felt so comforted, so loved!

Hallucinations? Delusions? Probably some may say yes. But for me, it was simply my FAITH.

Soon after I felt comforted, a group of people entered the chapel. And they started a prenuptial pictorial session! No kidding! How could God present before my eyes a thing that can hurt me when I'm already crushed?!! As I saw the couple, I felt and heard God tapping my back and saying "Its okay, you need to experience this pain to appreciate him more when he comes back". In a blink of an eye, the pain drifted away, and seeing the couple so sweet with each other just made me smile. I took this as a sign form God, assuring me that, one day, someday, I will be reunited with my perfect pair. It may be a reconciliation with him, or it may also be a new person. Only God knows. But I still pray and hope that it will still be him. Tee hee!

I transferred to the garden area at the side of the chapel, sat down at one of the benches, wrote on my journal, and did the Circle of Holy Light. Casting the CoL was a bit easier for me, probably because I was in a Holy Area, I was able to purge out my negativity, and I was one with nature.

Then, I saw a mushroom! I was reminded to appreciate all that I have, no matter how small or simple they may be, because just like a mushroom, people and things may come and go, even during the most unexpected time.

As I walked my way out of the campus, I met an old man. He looked like he was already 60ish. There was something in me that made me wanna smile at him. Maybe because at that particular moment, I felt at peace. I gave it a shot and for no reason, I tried to smile at a stranger. And he smiled back PLUS he greeted me a good afternoon! I felt happy, and another realization popped out of my mind: A simple smile can brighten up one's day - true! After that old man, the next people I've met along the way all kept smiling at me. In fact, they were the ones who smiled at me first. Likely because I radiated a very colorful and positive chi!

"Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Weep, and you weep alone with God and with your true friends."

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CEFAM Counseling Session Part 1

Ever since he proposed marriage to me, I already knew that we will be both attending a seminar at the Center for Family Ministries CEFAM. But, instead of attending the Pre-CANA which is a two day, live-out, seminar-workshop for soon-to-marry couples, I found myself signing up alone for a counseling session for relationship breakups!

Last March 31, I had my first counseling with them. It was very fruitful in a sense that now, the dark path of my life seems to get clearer and clearer. Okay, its still dark, I am still in pain, VERY MUCH IN PAIN, but I can see a lit candle in the dark. Some of the most significant thoughts that the counselor told me were:

I should give him the freedom that he needs and the time to think

I should allow myself to grieve. Cry, release the emotions, if I am hurt, I just have to let it out, I shouldn't hold back the tears. Normally, it takes one whole year to grieve, but what is 1 year compared to the almost 13 years of relationship that I had with him. I must not skip grieving for the sake of myself and of our relationship. If we get reconciled and I skipped this grieving process, for sure, major issues will eventually appear in the future.

Our relationship is undergoing the process of growth. In the course of our relationship, he seldom gets mad at me, and he would often "baby" me and would always give me what I want. Now, there is growth for him. this growth may have stemmed out when he got promoted at work and received more than double of his salary. Because of this power, he finally had the courage and learned to stand up for whatever he is feeling right now. Finally, he was able to exercise his power to express his feelings. This is a very essential thing especially if you're about to head a family. He needs to express himself, he needs this growth. On the other hand, I also need to growth. I need to learn to stand up on my own, be an independent person, and love him because it is my own decision to love him, and not just because I just got used to having him always by my side. The counselor said: "Anything that grows is painful, but, when he sees that you've grown, who knows, one day, he might just realize that he really loves you". Now, that's another spark of hope for me.

No one knows what may happen next. I have no control of him, I cannot change how he feels, what he thinks, his decisions... only he, himself and God can do that. But I have full control and I can change myself - my way of thinking and my views in life. If he comes back to me, we will be having a more mature relationship, and we are very blessed and fortunate because this happened before the actual wedding. All relationships undergo the period of growth, and a lot of them, sadly, only experience this growth after marriage. In effect, it becomes more difficult for them to handle the situation because a family can be shattered and there are kids who will be affected. I finally realized what the priests have been telling me: "Thank God because this happened!"

If he comes back and reconciles with me, I can be sure that he really loves me because of the discernment that he has been through, and this decision will really be a decision of love. On the other hand, if he decides to really leave me, then, I am now a better, stronger, more faithful person. Win-win situation.

The 3 stages of a relationship were discussed to me, and I was told that he doesn't love the other person. Although, what they have now may eventually develop into love, but, as of now, what they have is not yet LOVE.

I shouldn't be afraid about what people may say about the cancellation of our wedding. I do not owe anyone an explanation! I can always be creative in giving answers. Hmmmm.... what creative answer can I give? Any suggestion?

An assignment was given to me for our next session: I have to reflect and think of the things that I may have contributed to the outcome of this trial.


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St. Padre Pio

Last March 3, I went to St. Padre Pio Church at libis, Q.C. together with my fiance's family. (I can't afford to call him my ex because for me, he still is my fiance!) The Church was introduced to me by Mr. Richard Yu.

The Mass felt so solemn. The aura inside was so strongly positive that I felt so secured, relaxed, and comforted. Lucky us, we were able to secure a slot to have ourselves anointed with the Holy Oil by Mang Ramon. I guess it really was meant for us. After the Mass, while waiting for our turn at Mang Ramon's line, I deeply prayed while casting the Circle of Holy Light (COL), which Sir Richard taught me. The image of Angel Gabriel floating beside Mang Ramon just entered my mind. I kept on asking Angel Gabriel to speak with me, to whisper closely to Mang Ramon's ears whatever God's message is for me about my situation with my fiance. I kept on asking "Will fiance reconcile with me?" When it was my turn, the first thing Mang Ramon did was to anoint my palms, neck, and forehead with the Holy Oil. Then, he held both of my hands, closely looking at them. It was as if he was reading something on my palms. That time, I kept on praying "Angel Gabriel, please, please, what is God's answer? Will fiance reconcile with me?" It took him a while, then, finally, after sometime, this is what Mang Ramon told me:

"Wala talaga akong maramdaman sa iyo. Wala kang sakit, wala kang sama ng loob, wala kang alalahanin. You are very peaceful, because God has given you what you are asking for even before you asked for it." Upon hearing this, I broke in tears. t was tears of relief and joy. Goosebumps were all over my body. Then, Mang Ramon held my hand tighter and repeated, this time, with more conviction, and he said it in a very slow and clear manner, it was almost as if he was pausing after every word:

"God... has... already... given... you... what... you... are... asking... for"
After my turn, I sat down at the right side of the Church and prayed.  I kept on thanking God, Mama Mary, Padre Pio, and Angel Gabriel for the message I received. I was smiling widely, but tears were still rolling down my cheeks. Those were tears of joy and relief. Then, I imagined Angel Gabriel again, but this time, He was whispering to me, saying: "I already told you that a lot of times, maybe, this time, you already believe".
As what St. Padre Pio said, "Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer."

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