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Triple Numbers

This past week, everyday..... yes, every single day, I have been seeing triple numbers unexpectedly! Its either my cellphone clock at 1:11, 11:11, 4:44, or a car's plate number. It started Friday last week on my way home when I saw 2 cars with triple plate numbers. I immediately prayed, and asked God through Angel Gabriel a sign. I said, if I see another car with a triple plate number before I reach home, then, it means, there is a big, big possibility for "us" to be reconciled. So, I kept on looking left and right, wishing to find another magical car. I was at about halfway home, but still, no car appeared. I just got tired, and said, "Lord, may Your will be done". Then, I dropped the whole idea off. Surprisingly, as I reached a few blocks away from home, ola! I saw a car with a triple plate number! My heart leaped for joy! Oh, what a wonderful sign! Angel Gabriel definitely knows how to cheer me up! I believe that "we" will be reconciled..... I just have to pray harder, be open to God's will for us, and work myself out!

One of the many things I've learned from my life and spiritual adviser, Mr. Richard Yu, is that "nothing in this world is coincidental". Then, I also remember my aunt telling me before that seeing triple numbers means that your Angel is talking to you. Combining these two ideas, I formulated that the Archangels and my own Guardian Angel (plus "his" Guardian Angel) are speaking to me. They've been telling me to continue praying, continue trusting God, and continue holding on.

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Can't Breathe

Last Friday (yah, LAST Friday, which means, this post has been delayed for a week!), as I was kneeling down at Quiapo Church for the Novena Mass, I suddenly had difficulty in breathing. My vision went blurred, and I panicked as I tried to grasp for more air. I had to sit down in the midst of the prayer. It felt like I was about to die! Well, I didn't have any near-death experience in my entire life, so I assume, this is how it feels. As i regained my composure and my breath, I decided to go home after the novena. Usually, I would still stay for an additional hour for my own personal prayers. As I was inside a jeepney on my way home, a lot of thought entered my mind. Oh my.... I am not prepared to die! I cannot die! What if he comes back? I do not want him to see me catatonic on a hospital bed, moreso, to see me inside my coffin!

I MUST keep myself healthy!

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My First Tiny Baby Steps

I've had my first ever counseling session last Saturday. And tomorrow, I'm having another counseling session (with a different group).

These sessions are part of my tiny baby steps to help myself move on and recover from grief and near-depression. I have to take things one at a time. My progress might be slow, but, as long as I'm moving forward, then things are okay for me.

Wait..... moving on doesn't mean that I'm trying to forget him. I still love him very much! As in! But I believe that I can only win him back, only if and when, I am whole again. After all, these tiny baby steps that I am doing would eventually lead me back to him (or I'd better say, would lead him back to me).

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I Wish He Got Me Pregnant!

I wish he got me pregnant! That was what immediately came into my mind when he broke up with me. I thought having a kid would tie him to me....I thought having a child with him would make him say "No" to leaving me.... I thought being pregnant could have prevented everything that happened. But, as I saw a mother begging for a few coins while carrying her almost-barenaked-infant in front of Quiapo Church, I uttered to myself "Lord! You are so great! Thank you, we didn't have a baby yet! Thank you for saving me from a deeper problem!"

I came from a broken family. My mom had 4 live-in partners, and a handful of boyfriends. I always wanted to have a functional, complete, happy family of my own with "him", and I just couldn't imagine myself raising a child without a father. Okay, I admit, "he" is responsible (that's why I fell in love with him!) and, if ever he got me pregnant, he won't ever run from his financial obligations. But, raising a child isn't just all about money. If ever we have a child by now, how can I ever explain to my child that her father left us? How can I explain that I can't feed her on time because I am busy attending to my broken heart? How can I comfort her from crying if I, myself, also need to be comforted?

I still love him.... and I pray that someday, in God's proper time, everything will still be fixed, we will both learn our mistakes from this trial, and we will get to have our own complete, happy family binded by God's love and grace.

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Waking Up

The most difficult part of my day is waking up in the morning. I admit, I've really been a sleepyhead ever since time immemorial, but, these past few days are different. Everytime I wake up, I feel so lost, and as I recall all the details of what happened, I just can't control my tears. This makes my eyes bulge and after a few mins...... zzzzzzzzzzz....... there I am, feeling sleepy again. After a few minutes, I make another attempt of waking up. But my head would ache, making me scream, and cry again. This would just make my body feel heavier and I eventually lose the strength to wake up. Yet, after a few more minutes, I make another attempt to wake up. This time, I feel a shortness of my breath, and tiny needles pricking my heart. Oh my, I can't stand it. I finally decide to sleep again. Until a bad dream wakes me up. As my eyes open for the Nth time, I am, once again, lost. Thinking, was it all a bad dream, or did these things really happen? Then, I wake up to reality thinking that everything is real! Feeling so depressed, I sleep again, hoping for a nicer dream. Oh my Lord, please be kind to me. Please give me a hopeful dream. After a few tries of sleeping and waking up, a text message catches my attention. "What time are you reporting for work?" Then, I realize I've been struggling to wake up for the past 3 hours!

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless" Isaiah 40:29

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My Secret Goal

A friend suggested that I write down my goal and ways that can help me reach it. So here I am, writing it:

I WANT TO WIN HIM BACK!!!

How? Um..... I do not know exactly yet, but here are the basic things I thought of:
1. Pray, pray, pray, meditate, and pray. Trust God
2. Acknowledge that I am in pain, identify the root of the problem.
3. Think of ways on how to change myself -- for the better.
4. Take action.

Maybe, after I do everything, I can win him back.... Maybe, after I've changed myself, I can make him fall in love with me again... Maybe... there is no assurance, but since I love him so much, then, I just have to give it a try.

Shhhh.... please keep this as our little secret! I know he seldom reads blogs, and I doubt it if he even has a hint that I have this online journal.

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My First Post

Obviously, I am not a blogger nor a writer. Take it from the title of this post - so blunt and straightforward! I just want to write, to pour out my feelings and my thoughts as I start a new journey in my life.

I am single. I am engaged to my boyfriend for 12 years. Yeah, you read that right... 12 years! Compute, compute: we became a couple when we were only 16! "I am sixteen going on seventeen, innocent as a rose, na na na na" Okay, stop that singing.

So, here's my story. Me and my fiance are supposed to get married this year, or early of next year. All our families, relatives, friends know about it. We've already booked a few suppliers, Church and reception venues are reserved, all layouts done, guest list finalized, entourage members informed. I am the happiest bride-to-be! About to marry my prince, my best (and one and only) friend, my partner for 12 years!

Then, BOOM! He called off the wedding! And worst, he's not sure if he still wants to stay in the relationship!

Ouch!

That hurts!

Oh my! What am I supposed to do next?!

Why is this happening?! No, this is not happening!

Panic mode!

Those were my words in the past few months. By the way, he told me about it last December 2011, and its already March 2012. 3 months. Now, I am starting to pick up the broken pieces of myself one by one.

I do hope people will get to read this. I do hope comments, suggestions, and prayers for me and "him" will flood in. Although I am lost, I can still see a tiny spark of hope. I know I have God by my side.

P.S. Imagine the bucket of tears flowing as I write this post. But I thank God, that's way lesser than what I've already shed in the past months.

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