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CEFAM Counseling Session Part 1

Ever since he proposed marriage to me, I already knew that we will be both attending a seminar at the Center for Family Ministries CEFAM. But, instead of attending the Pre-CANA which is a two day, live-out, seminar-workshop for soon-to-marry couples, I found myself signing up alone for a counseling session for relationship breakups!

Last March 31, I had my first counseling with them. It was very fruitful in a sense that now, the dark path of my life seems to get clearer and clearer. Okay, its still dark, I am still in pain, VERY MUCH IN PAIN, but I can see a lit candle in the dark. Some of the most significant thoughts that the counselor told me were:

I should give him the freedom that he needs and the time to think

I should allow myself to grieve. Cry, release the emotions, if I am hurt, I just have to let it out, I shouldn't hold back the tears. Normally, it takes one whole year to grieve, but what is 1 year compared to the almost 13 years of relationship that I had with him. I must not skip grieving for the sake of myself and of our relationship. If we get reconciled and I skipped this grieving process, for sure, major issues will eventually appear in the future.

Our relationship is undergoing the process of growth. In the course of our relationship, he seldom gets mad at me, and he would often "baby" me and would always give me what I want. Now, there is growth for him. this growth may have stemmed out when he got promoted at work and received more than double of his salary. Because of this power, he finally had the courage and learned to stand up for whatever he is feeling right now. Finally, he was able to exercise his power to express his feelings. This is a very essential thing especially if you're about to head a family. He needs to express himself, he needs this growth. On the other hand, I also need to growth. I need to learn to stand up on my own, be an independent person, and love him because it is my own decision to love him, and not just because I just got used to having him always by my side. The counselor said: "Anything that grows is painful, but, when he sees that you've grown, who knows, one day, he might just realize that he really loves you". Now, that's another spark of hope for me.

No one knows what may happen next. I have no control of him, I cannot change how he feels, what he thinks, his decisions... only he, himself and God can do that. But I have full control and I can change myself - my way of thinking and my views in life. If he comes back to me, we will be having a more mature relationship, and we are very blessed and fortunate because this happened before the actual wedding. All relationships undergo the period of growth, and a lot of them, sadly, only experience this growth after marriage. In effect, it becomes more difficult for them to handle the situation because a family can be shattered and there are kids who will be affected. I finally realized what the priests have been telling me: "Thank God because this happened!"

If he comes back and reconciles with me, I can be sure that he really loves me because of the discernment that he has been through, and this decision will really be a decision of love. On the other hand, if he decides to really leave me, then, I am now a better, stronger, more faithful person. Win-win situation.

The 3 stages of a relationship were discussed to me, and I was told that he doesn't love the other person. Although, what they have now may eventually develop into love, but, as of now, what they have is not yet LOVE.

I shouldn't be afraid about what people may say about the cancellation of our wedding. I do not owe anyone an explanation! I can always be creative in giving answers. Hmmmm.... what creative answer can I give? Any suggestion?

An assignment was given to me for our next session: I have to reflect and think of the things that I may have contributed to the outcome of this trial.


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