Transitions

After the counseling session that I had, I decided to take my time and spend the rest of my afternoon walking around the University Campus. I just wanted to walk, pray, talk with God, think about the things that happened, think about life, think about him. Good thing its vacation time, there were only a few people around, and this saved me from the possibility of meeting former professors, classmates, and anyone I know, thus, saving me from answering possible questions about the wedding!

Trees and plants abundantly lined the narrow road where I was walking. The afternoon cool wind sweetly kissed my cheeks as the trees selflessly shaded me from the heat of the sun. I was breathing in as much clean air as I can get, absorbing the abundant positive energy that the trees gave. And as I exhaled, I visualized all the tension, hurts, pains, worries, and negativity being released out of my system. A few rays of sunlight which were able to pass through the glowing leaves of these trees reminded me that there is, and there will always be HOPE.

During my school days, I also used to walk on the same road, but never did I experience this feeling. Maybe because way back then, I was too preoccupied with worldly stuff that I ignored to give importance to the simple things in life that can make me happy.

I went inside the chapel, and upon seeing that I had the place all to myself, everything felt so solemn. As I knelt down and silently prayed, tears rolled down my cheeks. Then, I heard my Angel's sweet voice gently whispering to me: "Let it out, just cry."

I cried. Then, I wept. Then, I sobbed... Then, I felt the presence of Jesus, Mama Mary, St. Padre Pio, St. Jude, and the Archangels. They were all there. They were watching me. They were taking turns to hug me. They told me: "Its okay, everything will be fixed. We will not leave you alone." I felt so comforted, so loved!

Hallucinations? Delusions? Probably some may say yes. But for me, it was simply my FAITH.

Soon after I felt comforted, a group of people entered the chapel. And they started a prenuptial pictorial session! No kidding! How could God present before my eyes a thing that can hurt me when I'm already crushed?!! As I saw the couple, I felt and heard God tapping my back and saying "Its okay, you need to experience this pain to appreciate him more when he comes back". In a blink of an eye, the pain drifted away, and seeing the couple so sweet with each other just made me smile. I took this as a sign form God, assuring me that, one day, someday, I will be reunited with my perfect pair. It may be a reconciliation with him, or it may also be a new person. Only God knows. But I still pray and hope that it will still be him. Tee hee!

I transferred to the garden area at the side of the chapel, sat down at one of the benches, wrote on my journal, and did the Circle of Holy Light. Casting the CoL was a bit easier for me, probably because I was in a Holy Area, I was able to purge out my negativity, and I was one with nature.

Then, I saw a mushroom! I was reminded to appreciate all that I have, no matter how small or simple they may be, because just like a mushroom, people and things may come and go, even during the most unexpected time.

As I walked my way out of the campus, I met an old man. He looked like he was already 60ish. There was something in me that made me wanna smile at him. Maybe because at that particular moment, I felt at peace. I gave it a shot and for no reason, I tried to smile at a stranger. And he smiled back PLUS he greeted me a good afternoon! I felt happy, and another realization popped out of my mind: A simple smile can brighten up one's day - true! After that old man, the next people I've met along the way all kept smiling at me. In fact, they were the ones who smiled at me first. Likely because I radiated a very colorful and positive chi!

"Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Weep, and you weep alone with God and with your true friends."

Ever since he proposed marriage to me, I already knew that we will be both attending a seminar at the Center for Family Ministries CEFAM. But, instead of attending the Pre-CANA which is a two day, live-out, seminar-workshop for soon-to-marry couples, I found myself signing up alone for a counseling session for relationship breakups!

Last March 31, I had my first counseling with them. It was very fruitful in a sense that now, the dark path of my life seems to get clearer and clearer. Okay, its still dark, I am still in pain, VERY MUCH IN PAIN, but I can see a lit candle in the dark. Some of the most significant thoughts that the counselor told me were:

I should give him the freedom that he needs and the time to think


I should allow myself to grieve. Cry, release the emotions, if I am hurt, I just have to let it out, I shouldn't hold back the tears. Normally, it takes one whole year to grieve, but what is 1 year compared to the almost 13 years of relationship that I had with him. I must not skip grieving for the sake of myself and of our relationship. If we get reconciled and I skipped this grieving process, for sure, major issues will eventually appear in the future.


Our relationship is undergoing the process of growth. In the course of our relationship, he seldom gets mad at me, and he would often "baby" me and would always give me what I want. Now, there is growth for him. this growth may have stemmed out when he got promoted at work and received more than double of his salary. Because of this power, he finally had the courage and learned to stand up for whatever he is feeling right now. Finally, he was able to exercise his power to express his feelings. This is a very essential thing especially if you're about to head a family. He needs to express himself, he needs this growth. On the other hand, I also need to growth. I need to learn to stand up on my own, be an independent person, and love him because it is my own decision to love him, and not just because I just got used to having him always by my side. The counselor said: "Anything that grows is painful, but, when he sees that you've grown, who knows, one day, he might just realize that he really loves you". Now, that's another spark of hope for me.

No one knows what may happen next. I have no control of him, I cannot change how he feels, what he thinks, his decisions... only he, himself and God can do that. But I have full control and I can change myself - my way of thinking and my views in life. If he comes back to me, we will be having a more mature relationship, and we are very blessed and fortunate because this happened before the actual wedding. All relationships undergo the period of growth, and a lot of them, sadly, only experience this growth after marriage. In effect, it becomes more difficult for them to handle the situation because a family can be shattered and there are kids who will be affected. I finally realized what the priests have been telling me: "Thank God because this happened!"

If he comes back and reconciles with me, I can be sure that he really loves me because of the discernment that he has been through, and this decision will really be a decision of love. On the other hand, if he decides to really leave me, then, I am now a better, stronger, more faithful person. Win-win situation.

The 3 stages of a relationship were discussed to me, and I was told that he doesn't love the other person. Although, what they have now may eventually develop into love, but, as of now, what they have is not yet LOVE.

I shouldn't be afraid about what people may say about the cancellation of our wedding. I do not owe anyone an explanation! I can always be creative in giving answers. Hmmmm.... what creative answer can I give? Any suggestion?

An assignment was given to me for our next session: I have to reflect and think of the things that I may have contributed to the outcome of this trial.

Continued...

Last March 3, I went to St. Padre Pio Church at libis, Q.C. together with my fiance's family. (I can't afford to call him my ex because for me, he still is my fiance!) The Church was introduced to me by Mr. Richard Yu.

The Mass felt so solemn. The aura inside was so strongly positive that I felt so secured, relaxed, and comforted. Lucky us, we were able to secure a slot to have ourselves anointed with the Holy Oil by Mang Ramon. I guess it really was meant for us. After the Mass, while waiting for our turn at Mang Ramon's line, I deeply prayed while casting the Circle of Holy Light (COL), which Sir Richard taught me. The image of Angel Gabriel floating beside Mang Ramon just entered my mind. I kept on asking Angel Gabriel to speak with me, to whisper closely to Mang Ramon's ears whatever God's message is for me about my situation with my fiance. I kept on asking "Will fiance reconcile with me?" When it was my turn, the first thing Mang Ramon did was to anoint my palms, neck, and forehead with the Holy Oil. Then, he held both of my hands, closely looking at them. It was as if he was reading something on my palms. That time, I kept on praying "Angel Gabriel, please, please, what is God's answer? Will fiance reconcile with me?" It took him a while, then, finally, after sometime, this is what Mang Ramon told me:

"Wala talaga akong maramdaman sa iyo. Wala kang sakit, wala kang sama ng loob, wala kang alalahanin. You are very peaceful, because God has given you what you are asking for even before you asked for it." Upon hearing this, I broke in tears. t was tears of relief and joy. Goosebumps were all over my body. Then, Mang Ramon held my hand tighter and repeated, this time, with more conviction, and he said it in a very slow and clear manner, it was almost as if he was pausing after every word: