Since last December, with this trial that I am experiencing right now, I kept on trying to discern: Do I really love him? What is love?
My guide for what love should be is rooted in the popular bible verse that says:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13: 1-13
As I contemplated on every line and read every word, I said to myself: No doubts, YES, I love him! But these past few days (well, after my Brahama Kumaris retreat), I was dumbfounded by a truth which, initially, I cannot accept. I do not love him because I do not know how to love myself! How can I love someone if I do not love myself first? How can I give something I do not have?
Months ago, my goal used to be winning him back. But now, I had to twist it a bit.
Yes, I still want to win him back....
BUT
I want to learn to love myself first.
WHAT IF
On the process of loving myself someone else comes along?
WHAT IF
He finally makes up his mind and decides that he doesn't love me anymore?
Then, that is God's plan for both of us. God knows whats best so who am I to question HIM.
Sad ending? Not really. Another possibility could be:
WHAT IF
He decides to reconcile with me?
Well, by then, we would have to COMPROMISE. Simply because, I think by that time, I have already finally learned to love myself!
After all, it could be a happy ending too.
What if.... What if.... What if... There may be millions of what ifs... But, all I can do know is to trust in God and to hold on to His promise that only the best will happen for me.
"And they lived happily ever after."
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